The Seven, Uh, I mean Eight, People You Meet in Heaven, I mean Karaoke Joints
1. The Cowboy.
The Cowboy is akin to the real (well not that real since it’s in the movies, but you know what I mean, right? Right?) cowboys in the Western movies (the one where Clint Eastwood was forever frowning deeply and walking as if he had a bad case of diarrhoea) during a “fight” scene where he looks as if he is about to whip out his guns and shoot the Bejeezus out of the poor villain.
Well, the Cowboy of Karaoke joints is similar. Except that during the time where the bill was brought by the nice waiter in white shirt and black bowtie, he doesn’t whip out his gun. Instead, he whips out his wallet. Except that he doesn’t really actually take out money to pay. He’ll just pretend but instead hang on to it as if his life depended on it. Once everyone empties their wallet (including scouring for loose change at the sofas) on the silver dish thing to pay for the amount, he snazzily whips it back into his pocket nonchalantly.
the wallflower *in the middle* is trying to steal the mike from the mike hogger... no chance!
2. The Wallflower
The Wallflower is very likely a newbie in the karaoke world. A shy, retiring person; the Wallflowers usually hum in public. Or sing lustily in cars but will blush in a very nice shade of red when caught in the act by the nice Aunty with the sayur basket in the public bus.
The Wallflower does not add much value to a karaoke session – his actual objective in a karaoke session is to finish the peanuts and sipping the mineral water/Coke/Tiger Beer/etc while the rest earnestly fights for mike-time.
The Wallflower also loves to choose songs that he thinks is “suitable” for the rest of the karaoke bunch, i.e. any songs by Bon Jovi, Mariah Carey, boy bands and any other 80’s hits.
This poses two problems
1) Not everyone can sing Mariah Carey like Mariah Carey
2) We want to sing that obscure Rock Kangkang song damnit so delete those N’Sync numbers, already!
Actually, I stand corrected. The Wallflower is an excellent moral booster as their main duty is usually to clap heartily when one is done with the song.
Or boo if it’s particularly bad.
the wallflowers (veteran) on the left and right waiting to do the back-up...
3. The Veteran Wallflower.
The Veteran Wallflower is a beta version of no. 2 above. Whilst he still have the time to gobble some peanuts while the other people are fighting over the mikes, the Veteran Wallflower can now sing along, albeit softly, with the other “singers”. These Veteran Wallflowers are very much content with being a back-up for other people, but will never, God forbid, sing on his own.
Unfortunately, some Veteran Wallflowers have built-in mikes of their own inside their throats so at times, we find Veteran Wallflowers singing louder than the original Mike Hogger (see below); much to the consternation of the aforementioned Mike Hogger tehehehehe.
The Veteran Wallflower debut “solo” will inadvertently be Trisha Yearwood’s “How do I live” or that Pretty Woman Song, the “oh, my love, my darling, I hunger for your touch” watchacallit. Oh, or “Making Love Out of Nothing At All”.
Veteran Wallflowers future attempts will include: Cindai, Kamelia, Bunga-bunga Cinta, Sampaikanlah Salam or I Will Always Love you.
the 'over-acting' diva singing his heart out...
4. The Diva (not to be mistaken by this Diva, OK?)
Also known as the Mike Hogger. This Diva is an avid follower of “Diary Akademi Fantasia”, especially during the vocal classes segments. He will be copying Cikgu Hajar’s “bubbling” methods, learn how to correctly sing (from the diaphragm though I never knew that diaphragm has their own voice y’know?), learn how to “ramificate” (the growling bit that Misha Omar likes to do, am not too sure whether it’s actually called ramificate though – it a misspelt word according to my Spellchecker. But then again, even misspelt is a misspelt word in my Spellchecker). Diva very much wishes for a mirror in karaoke bars so that he can see himself sing.
Will be gutted if his rendition of James Ingram’s “Just Once” is not up to his usual par and would repeat (again and again and AGAIN) so that he’d sing it “correctly”.
The Divas will also be visibly annoyed if Veteran Wallflower (no 3) does his usual bouts of “back-up”.
the extreme mike hogger looks worried that someone might take the mike away...
5. The Extreme Mike Hogger.
A variant of the Diva, the Extreme Mike Hogger will hog the mike and sing ALL songs. It does not matter if he has a baritone voice ala Barry “I sound like a Perv” White; and the song to be sung by (usually the case) a soprano Veteran Wallflower on her debut “solo” is “How do I Live”. Extreme Mike Hoggers are also closely related to the Cowboy as this will be an excellent economic savings for Extreme Mike Hogger as he is always seen at karaoke joints.
the bravehearts hoping that action speaks louder than their voices... muhahahahaa...
6. The Braveheart.
We all end up dead. It's just a question of how, and why. Men don't follow titles; they follow courage - William Wallace.
Like the real Braveheart, this Braveheart will plough through any songs that he had chosen (or being chosen by the Wallflower, as the case may be). He would also seem as if he has a private, secret competition with the karaoke song – to see whether it is him or the tune crosses the Finishing Line first. To put it simply, his timing is, as to quote Ramli MS, “tercampak ke laut” (“thrown to the sea” i.e. very, very, bad).
Either that or he sounds as if he’s giving commands to the Russian Army. And no, it’s not rapping either.
However Bravehearts of karaoke are a fun lot. What lack of vocal talents they have, they made it up for their enthusiasm and by being absolutely cool about it. At least they won’t repeat Just Once till your ears bleed, eh?
the unhappy... must really look unhappy maa...
7. The Unhappies.
If you frequent karaoke joints, you would notice (and if you hadn’t, why haven’t you??), that a large portion of karaoke goers are these people:
· One who had just been dumped
· A girl on PMS
· Cubicle farm slaves who had just been reprimanded by their superiors on the loss of potential sales by that client though no fault of his own.
· Cubicle farm slaves who found out that their bimbo bottle-blonde colleague who thought track changes means that the running events for SEA Games venue were changed had just been promoted to Manager.
· Cubicle farm slaves on PMS who just witnessed the ex canoodling with a bimbo bottle-blonde bombshell with tight ass, 34DD boobies and a tighter top. At their coffee hang-out.
· Cubicle farm slaves on PMS who found out that the (kiss ass) bimbo bottle-blonde bombshell colleague with tight ass, 34DD boobs and tight top just got promoted to Manager even though she paints her nails all day and does not even know the track changes function is infact the same bimbo bottle-blond found canoodling at their coffee shop with the ex.
So anyway, these people are the Unhappy (the Unhappies?). Favourite toons to croon will include:
· Any Fauziah Latiff songs
· Any Toni Braxton songs
· Any Avrile Lavigne songs
· I will Survive
The Unhappy will also turn into a big, sobbing mess if he or she hears someone (usually the Mike Hogger) sings a particularly sad rendition (to her ears anyway) of “How Could an Angel Break my Heart”.
The Unhappy will also not have minded if all friends had other plans (“and you call yourselves MY friends???” *rudely hangs up telephone*) and will bravely venture to the karaoke joints ALONE. Should not be confused with the Braveheart, however.
8. The Other People
Title is self explanatory
So where do *I* fit in then? Tehehehe
kelakar leen... sungguh kelakar... if you want to look at things from different perspective, to laugh at yourself once in awhile, do visit anak sedara leen... in fact, we might learn a thing or two...