the one about badrul... and i'm lost...

i don't usually run from problems... seldom... paling-paling teruk pun, i shut my eyes, pretend that i was somewhere else for awhile... or berkurung dalam bilik until i can figure out a way to solve that problem... tapi i rasa masa mengubah keadaan... i don't have that much privacy anymore, even if i switch off my phone, i still have to attend to it sooner or later... and my problems are not as simple as closing my eyes or lock myself in the room anymore... i have reach a stage where i am lost!

i tak pernah begitu percaya dengan perkara-perkara 'buatan orang'... yes, i read it in the newspapers or magazine, and yes, i heard stories from relatives and friends... but, never really thought there is really something there... to me, it's just in the mind... or is it? three weeks ago, my mom cakap i nampak bekeng *garang* and cepat panas hati... she says my eyes were red most of the time, i hardly smiles and tries to avoid her... she heard me shouting in my sleep a couple of times... i told her i have so many things in my mind... pressure tempat kerja dan lain-lain... but my mom insisted that there were something more... something else... the next day, she gave me some water to drink... katanya air yassin... to make her happy, i finished it in one gulp... i demam for three days after that! that was when my parents decided to go back to terengganu for some help... and i'm lost...

i don't know if i should talk about this... since i myself, doesn't know for sure... yes, it's way too personal but i don't know what else to do... terasa macam dah terlalu lama i simpan dan rasa macam nak meletup... at the moment, all i know is that life has to go on... just put a smile on my face as a façade and just get on with it... until last friday... last friday night was the final blow... tiba-tiba saja rasa teramat bengang, tension, upset, humiliated, marah dan macam-macam... semua berbaur menjadi satu... did i just hit rock-bottom? entahlah... kalau ya pun, i sendiri tak tahu... leen cakap if you hit rock-bottom, you have no choice but to come up... but what if you are just stuck there? not moving anywhere... or no choice to move up, down, left or right? i drove all night and sedar-sedar dah sampai melaka... i tak tahu macam mana boleh sampai kat sana, but Tuhan masih sayangkan i... nothing bad happen... i decided to turn back and head home... 5.00am in the morning and my head still spinning... i packed a few things and drove to the airport...

i took the first flight out to bali...

and i'm lost...